Cherry Pickin' And A Grinnin'

It's Wednesday... and we all know in radio vernacular that means it's a "downhill slide to the weekend!" Which, if you're Carlos Guillen, that slide will be more painful than it is for the rest of us:

Dr. Evil: Our early attempts at a tractor beam went through several preparations. Preparations A through G were a complete failure. But now, ladies and gentlemen, we finally have a working tractor beam, which we shall call... Preparation H.
[Scott snickers]
Dr. Evil: What?
Scott Evil: Why don't you just call it operation ass-cream, you ass.
Dr. Evil: I'm sorry, did you say you want some ice cream?
Scott Evil: Yes, I'd love some chocolate ass-cream.
Dr. Evil: Perhaps later.
Number 2: Dr. Evil, I love your plan.
Dr. Evil: You do?
Frau Farbissina: Yah. It's a really good plan.
Dr. Evil: Yes Frau, on the whole Preparation H feels good.
[Scott resumes snickering]
Dr. Evil: What is it now?
Scott Evil: No, I totally agree with you. Preparation H does feel good... on the hole.

Last night, Brent Barry had a chance to shoot the Spurs back into the Western Conference Finals--but UALR alum, D-Fish was the Trojan to his... er, horse; barreling out of the woodwork to disrupt the son of an underhand-free throw-shooting father.

Obviously, the "line 'em up and shake hands" segment of a Little League game is a little different in the state of Washington. I hear that when the parents make a "tunnel" for the kids, they sometimes do so at the mouth of an actual train station.

If you're not a fan of: Rick Sutcliffe; Steve Stone; Bill Murray; Baseball; and Beer after reading this... then your heart is darker than a Cohen Brothers Christmas Dinner.

Doc Says I Swallow A Lot Of Aggression, Along With A Lot Of Pizza!

"If that pizza isn't on my front porch in the next 45 seconds, it's free. You got that Powlus?"

Speaking of sausage... how about a few links heading into the long weekend? I don't know about your New Year's Resolutions, but I'm on track with mine: "Be as healthy as a major leaguer". Granted, I chose Jim Leyland---but still.

Who doesn't enjoy a little fun with promotions at a minor league ballpark? Senator Craig, I would guess. Daniel Day-Lewis stars in, "My Left Bobble-Foot".

Has anyone figured out why "The Incredible Hulk," is coming out, a mere five years after "Hulk"? While the idea of Barry Bonds in a Lima-Bean costume sounds intriguing (yawn), at least these guys can get some work as stand-ins. I don't think these "men" and "women" are necessarily on steroids. Looks more like "Fix-A-Flat" to me.



You can have your "Horse Whisperer."
Give me the "Deer Wrestler" any day.
Okay, the dude breaks the deer's jaw?
Had the antler'd one in a headlock?
Since when does Chuck Norris
frequent Beauty Salons in Quaker Country?

Couldn't you
see this guy
starring in the role of
"Deer Wrestler?"

Speaking of me and Mr. Jones... how's this for news... a Washington Redskins running back wants to be a Cowboy!

After checking out this guy's bio, would anybody doubt Jed Clampett spent some time in Florida about 20 years and 9 months ago?

And we leave you on this Friday with one of the nicest guys in the tv biz.

The Emperor Has No Clothes! But These Beers Sure Are Pricey!

So, have you heard my idea for Major League Baseball's (potential) use of instant replay? This comes from the same quadrant of grey matter that suggested to my then co-worker at Channel 6, Chip McAfee, he dress in a flowing robe with a large, pointy hat during his weekend weather segments, hence becoming the "Weather Wizard." No one was watching us back in those days and it was my idea that Chip would attract viewers if he dressed as a Wizard and "conjured" up the forecast out of a bubbling cauldron. A little "Shazam" move with his hands each time a different weather graphic popped up (i.e., changing from Today's High Temperature's to the 6-Day Forecast) would add more sizzle to the steak. Alas, Chipper never took me up on the plan, leaving the Wizard for other entities to use in order to garner large profits.

Back to Instant Replay in baseball. Imagine this---or, crap, just think back to Geovany Soto, Carlos Delgado or Alex Rodriguez getting ripped off last week---instead of the ump's gathering and discussing which dude had the best view of the shot; why not allow them to gather on the mound after a disputable homer/not homer; get the teams to come out of their dugouts; and have all interested parties gaze up to the "Replay Box". There... in front of a monitor that's giving him multiple angles of the homer/not homer in question, sits the "Replay Emperor". After he views the replays enough to make an educated decision, he shuts down the monitor. The P.A. system blares something "Gladiator'ish"... The "Replay Emperor" steps to the precipice of his lofty perch. The crowd is silent... all eyes are cast upward toward the man in the toga with the olive branch headband (Nike Swoosh included)... and he passes his decision down with a simple gesture...


Are you going to tell me that wouldn't be the coolest thing to hit baseball since the Oakland A's uniforms of 1972? Exactly. You're Welcome Commissioner Selig.
One more thing... if you missed the call in from the AT&T solicitor on the Radio Show today... Have no fear... we should have it on the blog by Monday.

If You've Beaten Your Brother In H-O-R-S-E, Tech May Have A Spot For You!

Yahoo!!!?#.,! Sports has a lengthy interview with Ryan Perrilloux... IF the former Tiger QB indeed has OCD, then I hope he gets the treatment necessary for a functional life. IF, Perrilloux is using a disorder as a false crutch...? I have a feeling the young man will reap what he sows. Which is different than weeping when you sew, which is my reaction to watching mom add another two inches to my Toughskins jeans so that I could get another six months use out of them. AnyYahoo!, notice Perrilloux is quick to blame everyone else for his foibles and troibles.

In other former Tiger news, Big Baby certainly is cashing in on his fame in Boston. Nice endorsement, Baby. What's the problem? Playtex wouldn't return your calls?

What the heck is going on at Louisiana Tech? Coach Rupp doesn't renew the scholarships of three players (possibly four), leaving only four guys on the roster who played last year. Former Evangel Eagle, Brandon Mims has been in contact with LSU-S about transferring to the Pilots Program. LSU-S has also had conversations with Orren Tims about finishing out his eligibility with the Pilots.

Is Ted Nugent A Javelin Chunker?

While the Hornets and Spurs are busy with their Game 7 shenanigans, I must insert an apology. During our six o'clock sportscast, I mistakenly said the NBA Draft Lottery Ping-Pong-A-Thon would occur prior to the New Orleans-San Antone game. Dude... I knew my secret love of numbered Ping-Pong Balls bouncing around coupled with X-Tra Large envelopes embossed with the logos of the worst teams in the NBA would come back to bite me one day.

They just showed a shot of the Spurs bench reacting to a Big Shot (to the back) Bob Horry's 3-pointer... just behind Popovich's pine are four non-athletically-inclined dudes sporting Spurs jersey's and cheering wildly. Anyone want to bet it's a Flomax commercial that will be sprung on us during the NBA Finals?

I did NOT know all new episodes of "The Closer" will be shown on TNT starting soon. And what's this? Tyler Perry has a show on TBS---it looks humorous. Fat jokes? That's priceless!!

Meanwhile in Fenway Pahk... Jon Lester is busy no-hitting the Royals. In recent years, this task would rival: Donald Trump has a bad hair day; Exxon CEO pays light bill on time; Rain shower unexpectedly arrives after Fletcher-Family Car Wash Day. But these Royals aren't bad---only one game under .500. What makes this cool for a Red Sox hater like me is the fact Lester is a cancer survivor. Even I'm not that much of a Hate-uh! Well... he's done it, becoming the first Red Sox lefty to twirl a no-no (Meow!) in 52 years! As if the Sox aren't already loathed for their mega-success and bandwagon-jumping fans from around the globe (old school Sox fans? I've got nothing against. The yahoo's in Tuscaloosa... and Shawnee Mission... and Texarkana... and Santa Fe sporting the weathered "B" caps are the ones that I have a problem with), Boston pitchers account for four of the last six no-hitters thrown in the Big Leagues.

Ready for some linkage? Speaking of sausage... how about a Knee-K-Bob? The photo was taken by the dude with the skewer through his leg. A picture is worth a thousand, "OWWWWW SH**!!! MO#$%**#@**ER!!!!!!!!!!'s!"

Gross. Tom Brady "gives" his offensive linemen Outie's! No... my bad... that would be "Audi's." Or DID HE (Duh-Duh-DUHHHHHH)???

A birdie in hand is worth one-under par... a Finch in the creek is worth... A Yuk-Yuk RIOT!

Big deal. Jason Giambi wears a gold-thong to help him bust out of a slump. I wear a onesie if Aly locks the beer-fridge for five straight days. And yes, it works, 90% of the time, every time.

Hmmm... the most-wired play-by-play guy on the planet (which, by the way, I'm a fan of) will be the lead man for the Eyeball Network when they drop MMA on the non-cable'ized/Satellite Dish'd country... I Like It!

And how about AwfulAnnouncing breaking out the Charley Steiner retrospective? Good stuff... nice job, gents.

Was Pac-Man In Town Last Night?

Dam You Pac-Man!! Who else to blame for "Making It Rain," last night in Shreveport-Bossier? I haven't been surrounded by that much wetness since guzzling 3 Yoohoo's before bedtime in the third grade. In addition to spotting a Porsche-Raft, Tuesday night was memorable for me because of my spin as a "news-dude".

Yes, I volunteered to take off my sportscaster jock for a news-reporter toupee'. And I might have gotten away with it, if not for the rather un-newsman-like wardrobe. Oh, sure... it would have been easy to stand before the camera in a handsome Joseph Abboud suit. But the "Gonzaga" T-Shirt adds a sense of... I don't know... homelessness (?) to the mix.

On with the linkage... I can't stand
the Red Sox (apologies to Dr. John and Scott Ferrell)
but this play, highlighted by
Manny Ramirez' interaction with a front-row fan,
is, in a word: stupendous.

It's over. No not the WNBA Season---the gals hit the hardwood for real this Saturday (note to self: get Tivo fixed by the weekend). What I'm lamenting is the love-lost between Romessica. Jessicony. SimpsoRomo. She says at the forefront of her relationship with the Blue Stars QB, she "... thought I had to be more intellectual". Oooohhh Kaaaay. More intellectual than... a bottlecap? An Aussie on a beer run?

Speaking of barley and hops, Lofa (My Stretch Marks) Tatupu had a few too many, leading to an embarrassing situation. AND he got nabbed for DUI.

"Fletcher Likes Elaine!"

"Fletcher's getting upset!"
"Fletcher forgot to hit record!"
"Where did Fletcher leave that raw tape?"
"Has Fletcher been eating Kung Pao at my desk?"

Am I pulling a "Jimmy/George" from Seinfeld's 6th season? Nope. Have I resorted to berating myself aloud? Not necessarily. You see, KTBS has a new sports intern. Likable fella'... he's a senior at Northwestern State University. Saints fan... Braves fan... LSU fan. Did I mention his name, yet? No? It's Jonson. Fletcher Jonson. That's right, kids... our intern's first name is 'Fletcher.' NOW check out the quotes from above and tell me I'm not going to sound like an absolute loon in the newsroom. Now, picture this: Just as I am exiting the men's room, talking on my cell phone---the party on the other line asks me who our intern is and if he is enjoying his internship. "Oh, Fletcher Jonson Very Happy." I need a nickname for The Intern, pronto'!

When it comes to animals known for their toughness, little fluffy, white puppies are normally down the list. But I'll take our Maltese whose diet includes left-over Cantina Laredo, over any hardened carnivore. There isn't a tougher animal, pound-for-pound, in the country. I returned home from a quick trek to work on Saturday afternoon, expecting Gracie (Maltese) and Baxter (handsome devil at the top of the page) to greet me upon my entrance. Key into lock... no barking. Back Door opening... no barking. "Puppies! Yo! Where'yat?" The two of them were lying side-by-side near the staircase. Didn't take long for me to realize, the white hair of Gracie was stained with blood all around her left-eye. That's when Dr. Fletcher zipped into action. The two pups remained calm, cool and collected despite the hook fastening Baxter's Rabies tag to his collar had slipped through Gracie's lower eyelid. And they were still connected! On the second attempt, I slipped the hook out of Gracie's eyelid... blood poured forth---but a dab of Neosporin to the wound, and Gracie was as good as gold. Looking back, how is it that Baxter, a rambunctious lout if you are to believe "others" in the family, didn't try to run around with Gracie affixed to his Rabies tag? I'm telling you, man... those dogs communicated somehow. I feel like the Dog Whisperer to a certain degree!

The True Top 20 Nicknames In Football History!

We have made it to Saturday... and so far (crossing fingers), no plumbing problems! Wait... do I hear water dripping? Orrrr... is the noise just inside my head? If so, MAYbe I have a sinus infection. But I digress.

Earlier this week on the radio show, we discussed one (extremely lame) version of football's greatest nicknames. John "Hog" Hannah makes the list? Heck, that's not even the best nickname among the Hannah's... How about, Daryl "Splash" Hannah? Without further ado, here is one man's opinion of the 20 Greatest Nicknames In Football History, history, history....

Do yourself a favor and start at #20 and move up the ladder!

1. Billy "White Shoes" Johnson. The man behind the End Zone celebrations that we all love today! The guys from "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy," would lament his choice of footwear in games played after Labor Day.
   
2. Dick "Night Train" Lane. Let's see... set a record for interceptions in 1952 with 14 picks. He wore number 81... and he ended his career with the Lions. No wonder, despite "Night Train's" death in 2002, Matt Millen drafted him in the sixth round this year.
   
3. Bob and Brian "Griese". Not the best nickname for a quarterback, or a surgeon. What? That's their real last name? Wow. Unfortunate.
   
4. Elroy "Crazy Legs" Hirsch. An internet rumor indicates Elroy picked up his nickname after sandwiching his body into the seats of the venerable coliseum between I-20 and Greenwood Road for the Shrine Circus back in 1949. Hey, it beats, Elroy "Smells Like Urine And Cotton Candy" Hirsch.
   
5. "Sweetness," Walter Payton. Of course, now the People For The Ethical Treatment Of Sugar Cane would boycott Bears games if "Sweetness" still danced through defenders at Soldier Field. Who isn't tired of PETOSC? Yeah... I'm with you!
   
6. William "The Refrigerator" Perry. That's not junk in his trunk---just a few heads of lettuce. Trust me, we don't need to peak into his crisper bins.
   
7. "The Assassin", Jack Tatum. He is quite the author, penning books: "They Call Me Assassin" in 1980; "They Still Call Me Assassin," in 1989; and "Final Confessions of NFL Assassin Jack Tatum," in 1996. I wonder what his next book may be titled? "I'm Still The Assassin." Or, "Looking For The Guy Formerly Known As The Assassin? Here I Am!"... or perhaps, "The Notebook (pause, pause, pause) ... Of An ASSASSIN!!"
   
8. Lou "The Toe" Groza. Remember when the former Falcons quarterback responded to Atlanta fans booing him, hence the name, Michael "The Finger" Vick?
   
9. "The Mad Stork," Ted Hendricks. Which explains my reflux as a baby.
   
10. Lester "The Molester" Hayes. Amazingly, he never really liked his nickname. I can't imagine why? What if they called you, Jim "Farts In Elevator" McGinney? You wouldn't exactly relish that, would you? Hayes, a "Star Wars" addict, referred to himself as the "Only True Jedi In The NFL," prior to Super Bowl XVIII. In that game, Joe Theismann proved to be the "Only True Princess Leia In The NFL".
    
11. "Mean" Joe Greene. The Coke ad sent his popularity through the roof. But drenching a kid with a sweaty jersey? That WAS plain Mean.
    
12. John "Golden" Richards. I used to be a Cowboys fan. Until they got rid of #83 out of the University Of Hawai'i. Speed like he possessed doesn't grow on palm trees---it came from the Mullet. You know it. I know it.
    
13. "Broadway Joe" Namath. Sure, the fur coat on the sideline... the mutton chops... the panty hose... those all should boost Namath into the top ten. But his clumsy attempt at kissing suzy kolber remind me of my own infatuation with Martina Navritalova. Bad memories > Super Bowl Victory prediction.
    
14. "Ironhead" Craig Heyward. Reminds me of a buddy in high school we called "Skillet Head." Heyward's name came from his bull-headed running style and 8 3/4 hat size. "Skillet" got his name because his face was as flat as a skillet.
    
15. "The Minister Of Defense", Reggie White. Little known fact: Originally called, "Secretary Of Health and Human Services," until Donna Shalala sued the pants off of him.
    
16. Rod "He Hate Me" Smart; He gave his therapist one of his jersey's to prove how much he wasn't swaddled as a toddler.
    
17. Anthony "Booger" McFarland. Let's just hope he didn't "pick" his own nickname
    
18. Floyd "Porkchop" Womack... That's not IcyHot you smell; it's menthol gravy!
    
19. "The Nigerian Nightmare," Christian Okoye (turned into "South Of The Equator Bed-Soaker" by Steve Atwater)
    
20. KTBS 3 Sports Star, "Slingin'" Sammy Baugh
    

I'm Plumb Tired!

When it comes to plumbing, I'm one helluva' sportscaster.

Before we touch on the

sports links and topics du jour,
a quick recap of my mad skillz
when it comes to leaky plumbing.

Just when I thought we could go a weekend without my services as a pipe surgeon---a steaming stream of water at the rent house left us with no choice but to employ Fletcher Plumbing for the third, yes third, straight weekend. At first, when I saw the steam rising from the ground directly below the hot water closet, my mind wandered to thoughts of pulling a Jed Clampett---surely that was natural gas leaking from below (Haynesville Shale, anyone?). Alas, there will be no cement pond in my immediate future. Apparently, a hot water heater, when rusted out at the top, will allow a lot of hot water to escape in liquid AND steam form. Sounds like a science project, huh kiddos? Well youngun's, you wouldn't have wanted to be within a 50-foot Auger of your ol' Uncle Fletcher when I discovered the problem. I sent enough expletives flying to warrant protection by Ducks Unlimited. Three hours and $355 later, the rent house has a new water heater (!) and she's a beauty. With the help of our new tenants (Call 'em, "Cuz"), the Kenmore Power Miser 6 (seen on the left) is up and running on Dudley!

So, if I can Plumb... what can Tim Tebow do with his hands? Oh, my... ohhhhh, my, my, my. While it's truly inspiring, if I'm the Gators center next season---I want to make sure Edward Scissorhands with a Heisman, isn't suffering any flashbacks to his trip to the Phillipines.

Speaking of the buttockel region, Charles Barkley, known during his playing days for having a rather voluminous gluteus max, explains how the Round Mound helped him Rebound.

Speaking of MAXIMUS GLUTIUS... check out this pic of Fletcher I russeled up! Yeah, it's the Sportswife!! Hee hee hee!

If you think Shaun Alexander is washed up, maybe you meant, "He will Wash-Up," as in, on the shore of Lake Ponchartrain. Well, at least the Madden Jinx has worn off---as has most of his cartilage.

And look for the Cowboys to turn up on HBO this year. With Pacman and Tank Johnson, you would THINK "The Wire" is coming back. But nooooo... How about a little Hard Knocks, Romo-Style! If Chad Hutchinson can croon his way into Todd Walker's sister's heart, then surely Tony can lock down this thing with Jessica!

LSU Cuts Ryan Perrilloose

I am stunned. Shocked I tell ya'. Knock me over (YAAAAWWWWN) with a fake I.D. The Ryan Perrilloux era never blasts off thanks largely to Ryan Perrilloux errors. What should have taken place in February has come to fruition in May: Les Miles dismisses the athletically gifted quarterback from the Tigers today:

“Ryan was given every opportunity to be a part of this football team,” Miles said. “In the end, he didn’t fulfill his obligation as an LSU student-athlete. We hope that a new beginning will benefit him. I wish Ryan and his family nothing but the best in any of his future endeavors.”

Miles may have had other good reasons to bid Perrilloux adieu'... ESPN reports the MVP of the SEC Championship game failed a recent drug test (Heck, even "I" made a "D" in Medical Terminology, the closest thing to drug testing in my milque toast life). Let's see... skipping class? Check. Missing team meetings? Oh, Yeah. (Allegedly) Take part in reefer madness? Duuuude.

I made this argument today on the radio show. This is actually "good" news for LSU and the Tiger fan base. Imagine an entire football season, or portions prior to Perrilloux's inevitable screw-up, spent waiting for the other shoe to drop. You and I know #11 would pull something during a critical stretch of the season---Alabama week... Georgia week... and just like that; after teasing Tiger faithful with his freakish skills---the season would go flatter than my abs with Jarrett Lee or the Hah-vahd man, Andrew Hatch thrown into the fire ill-prepared.

Trust me on this... and save this post. LSU will win the SEC West and be in contention for a national championship repeat with Lee and/or Hatch running the offense. Heetch. Latch. They will not have to deliver a 24-34-298 yds., 3-TD, 0-Int. performance for LSU to win 10 games. Look at the offensive line. Look at them! Now, check out the RB's and pass-catchers. Okay... you're smiling now, aren't you? And we haven't even explored the opponent's land-mines, aka, the Tiger "D".

All is well in the world of college football in Baton Rouge. Fear not, Bayou Bengal Backers... he wasn't Ryan Perrill-win, now... was he?